just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
