she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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