I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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