Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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