I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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