I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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