My liver just broke up with me...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I looked at my own cervix.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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