i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
