how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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