So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm just crazy horny about you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
