I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
