i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
