Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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