Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
