if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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