Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
