This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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