I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
