haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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