coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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