im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
