her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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