my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
