can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
