dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
