I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
