I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
