Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
