Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
