Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
