tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
