Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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