i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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