The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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