You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
