I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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