My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
