some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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