Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
