1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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