i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
