Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
