Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize