you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
