Ambien. No doubt about it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
