he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
