He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
