I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
