surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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