I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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