The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just had sex on a roof
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
