Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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