god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
